KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (WOKI / WVLT) – Twenty-five years after the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, a Knox County death investigator is sharing her memories of the weeks she spent at Ground Zero and the emotional scars that remain decades later.
Chris Hawley, now a senior lead Medicolegal Death Investigator with the Knox County Regional Forensic Center, traveled to New York City just days after the attacks to assist in what she believed would be a search-and-rescue mission.
Instead, she quickly learned it was a recovery effort.
From Hope to Heartbreak
Five days after terrorists crashed hijacked airliners into the World Trade Center towers, Hawley arrived at what first responders called “the pile,” the massive wreckage left behind after the Twin Towers collapsed.
“When I first arrived, there was still hope that we were going to find living people,” Hawley said. “We quickly learned that wasn’t the case.”
The realization changed everything.
Hawley described Ground Zero as overwhelming, surreal and heartbreaking. Fires continued to burn beneath the rubble, smoke filled the air and rescuers worked amid dangerous conditions.
During one of her first trips deep into the debris field, someone handed her a permanent marker and instructed her to write her name and emergency contact information on her arm in case she did not make it out safely.
“We were working in a burning tomb,” Hawley said.
Working Among the Ruins
Hawley initially assisted families at a victim advocacy center, helping gather information about missing loved ones.
Two days later, she joined recovery crews.
For six weeks, she worked 12-hour shifts searching through debris, carrying buckets of rubble, climbing twisted steel and helping recover remains.
The work was physically demanding, but Hawley says the emotional toll was far greater.
“Emotionally, that was the biggest struggle,” she said. “The intrusive thoughts that you didn’t do enough, the images that you cannot get out of your head of the site, the victims and the families searching for their loved ones.”
She recalls walking through downtown Manhattan and being struck by the silence.
“I cannot begin to explain the eerie feeling of a silent city, especially one as big and loud as New York typically is,” Hawley said. “It felt like the end of the world.”
The Impact at Home
While serving at Ground Zero, Hawley’s family was also dealing with the uncertainty surrounding the attacks.
At the time, she lived on a military base and her husband was serving in the military. Security levels increased and daily life changed dramatically.
Her daughters worried about their mother’s safety and about the possibility their father could be deployed as the United States prepared for war.
Living With PTSD
Now, 25 years later, Hawley says she continues to struggle with the emotional impact of what she witnessed.
She suffers from PTSD, anxiety and recurring nightmares, particularly as September approaches each year.
“Since 9/11, I have suffered from PTSD and I still have trouble sleeping,” Hawley said. “I still have anxiety attacks that become more frequent as the month of September approaches.”
Among the memories that continue to haunt her are encounters with family members desperately searching for loved ones.
“The visions of family members who would come to the entrances of Ground Zero holding photographs of their missing loved ones and begging me to find them and bring them home still haunt me,” she said.
A Face She Never Forgot
Surprisingly, Hawley says the most haunting memory from Ground Zero is not one of destruction.
Instead, it’s the image of a veteran firefighter sitting alone at a Salvation Army food truck.
“He had a full plate of food in front of him and his face buried in his hands,” she recalled. “When he looked up at me there were tears rolling down his cheeks.”
The two sat together in silence, sharing an understanding of the tragedy surrounding them.
“I have seen that firefighter’s face almost every night when I close my eyes and try to sleep,” Hawley said.
Would She Go Again?
Despite the trauma and lasting emotional wounds, Hawley says she believes she would make the same decision today.
“I went because I wanted to help,” she said. “Knowing what I know now, I believe that I would have still gone.”
As East Tennessee and the nation observe the 25th anniversary of the attacks, Hawley’s story serves as a reminder that for many first responders, investigators and recovery workers, the events of Sept. 11 did not end when the smoke cleared.
For some, the memories remain every day.
